ianua, by renee altson :: stumbling toward faith

Jun 28, 2010 :: 2:39 pm
stumbling toward faith is going out of print

just a note that I am now journalling over at … and she was . please please please update your RSS feeds.

I want to announce here at Stumbling Toward Faith is going out of print. You can find more info at the new blog.

thank you everyone, for everything.

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posted by: renee on Jun 28, 2010 :: 2:39 pm | [0] comments |
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Jun 19, 2010 :: 9:22 pm
I've moved!!

hi.

I’ve moved my journal.

Please switch your feeds if you wish.

It’s a very natural progression… I’m actually grateful my comments here are broken.

see you there!

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posted by: renee on Jun 19, 2010 :: 9:22 pm | [0] comments |
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broken comments

thanks to all who emailed me about the comments being broken. I’m not sure what I did and can’t fix them right now. Because I use pMachine, now known as Expression Engine, I’m dealing with older code and it will take some time to hash out. I’m really not sure what changed. Boo. Hiss.

Hopefully they will be up again soon!

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posted by: renee on Jun 19, 2010 :: 11:07 am | [0] comments |
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Jun 17, 2010 :: 2:14 pm
sacredness

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” (Washington Irving)

My therapy session last night was one of the most difficult sessions that I can remember. It was so difficult to talk about what had transpired this past weekend and how vulnerable, angry, aching, frustrated, I felt. I was physically trembling, my whole body was visibly shaking, and I kept crying.

I wanted to stop, but something would happen or be said and I would start crying again. Eventually I fogged up my own glasses and had to take them off for a bit. They were deep tears. The kind way down at the bottom of the emotional floor, where the murky, muddy difficult stuff lives. I would feel them come up and realize I was helpless to stop them.

After the session I walked out to the car and sobbed- not caring how much noise I made or what I looked like. I was still crying as I drove home, overwhelmed with grief and a heap of other emotions.

I was still sniffling when I walked into starbucks to decompress. I know them well enough now that they give me the employee discount whenever I get something, so I got my venti iced passion tea and plopped in one of the coveted four comfy chairs.

I knew I looked like crap, but I didn’t care. And in spite of the whirlwind of emotions and thoughts, I realized that I really truly did trust my therapist. Not that I hadn’t before. But finding myself letting go like that was a sign of trust.

"I trust that you will not… hurt me with this vulnerability / tell me a bunch of cliche bullshit / minimize my pain..."

My body trusted him, too. Enough to snort and shake and cry.

My homework is distraction and acceptance. Almost contradictory instructions. But I get it. I can do both.

And I will remember the quote up top whenever I need to cry again.

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posted by: renee on Jun 17, 2010 :: 2:14 pm | [0] comments |
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Jun 15, 2010 :: 5:15 pm
"falling on my head like a new emoticon"

please pardon the lame attempt at title humor, it seemed funny when I first wrote it.

ironically i started this entry on june 12 - before my world had turned upside down.

i wanted to write about the interesting phenomenon of emoticons. you know: :) :( :/ :p
i discover more and more that using them diminishes my writing ability. instead of having to actually craft a sentence that works and stands on its own, i can be sloppy and slap an emoticon on it.

And it isn’t an intentional thing - it’s just happening. I find myself writing something and wanting to use an emoticon after a sentence! This doesn’t work in professional writing. But I’ve become reliant on it as a way to express emotions, and all in under 140 characters.

as always, there’s an interesting parallel to my life.

Easier to slap an “emoticon” on my issues than to really dig deeply into them and figure out a real solution. It tends to be that way sometimes with CBT - there’s a lot of distraction and reframing stuff that is pretty emoticon-like. So, on my own, (and with a therapist who is willing to be outside the box), I have been trying to “write” fuller sentences.

I had a very big scare this past weekend. Part of me wants to just be quiet and cryptic about it (like I’ve been on facebook, and another part thinks - the more support I have, the stronger I am.

Basically I was contacted by a member of my family-of-origin completely unexpectedly. Out of nowhere. The conversation was very strange and clearly the person on the other end of the phone wanted to know a lot about me. They would start to tell me something, pause, wait for me to comment, then clarify. e.g., “I’ve only seen X about 4 times in the last 10 years...” (pause) “… but I just saw X a few weeks ago.” They told me they lived in another state, but then told me they were moving back to my hometown.

I think I was close to this person as a child, I have photographs of us together. But I have completely severed all ties from my family-of-origin - all of them - and have been “alone” (except for my chosen family) for many years. My daughter has no safe relatives on my side of the family. Nor do I.

I was totally thrown by this. Completely spun around and contorted and panicked and scared. I hardly ate anything for a few days (something I NEVER do), and felt like my body was so far away I could never reach it. I tried to ignore it by focusing on other stuff (the emoticon of “distraction"), but it didn’t really help as much as I expected it to.

It’s funny (?) how much I rely on my friends. Especially my “virtual” ones. In times like this, I realize how desperately I need them, how much they have filled in my family gap. I love it when I get email from all of you. I love that you care about me, and know me, and are willing to share my life with me.

thank you for this.

I have therapy tomorrow (last session before a few weeks vacation ) so I’m hoping hashing this out will help. I’m doing what I can for myself, and letting Eric help and support. I do feel discombobulated, and definitely “not right” and not sure what to do yet. I’m thinking restraining orders again. I’m also thinking of just continuing to live as best as I can even though I’m scared s***less.

I’m not sure of anything. I’m just doing the moment by moment thing (Though I’m often failing). I’m enjoying working on things with a friend, and I love what I’m doing. I’m doing yoga again, and taking my regularly scheduled meds.

I’m doing the best I can.

As for the emoticons, if you follow me on facebook, look for less of them. It doesn’t mean I don’t like you, it just means I’m trying to write more effectively.

oh, and if you’re following the stf book fund, we have $528 of our $600. Zondervan said I could buy them anytime, so I can get them asap. And, I can get more than just 200 of them ($600), which is cool if we go over (< smile emoticon > ). Thanks again to all who have helped, it brings me huge joy to know that this is almost a real tangible thing! I appreciate you so much. You can contact me at renee @ ianua dot org (yep, that link works!)

thank you again for being part of my chosen family and for all the good things you have expressed, given and encouraged in me these many years.

peace to us all.

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posted by: renee on Jun 15, 2010 :: 5:15 pm | [0] comments |
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Jun 11, 2010 :: 7:22 pm
book fund update

oh, everyone, I am SO excited about this! We have ~~$381~~ ~~$441 (!!)~~ $508 (!!!!!!!) $528 !!!! of the $600 we need.

And remember - $600 buys 200 books, which is the minimum! If we want, we can buy as many as we want, so any money over our goal will go towards books as well. $3 apiece.

if you’re not sure what I’m talking about, read this.

I promise that every cent sent (hee) will be used towards this. And just imagine how this will help so many people… I am really delighted to have the books and start passing them out, donating them to libraries, etc.

hooooray! and thank you!

As of right now, we have no imminent deadline, depends on the next author sale. I will let you know when we’re actually buying the books!

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posted by: renee on Jun 11, 2010 :: 7:22 pm | [2] comments |
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Jun 07, 2010 :: 12:28 pm
stumbling toward faith, revisited

Many thank yous to those who have been willing to help. I will keep you up to date on our goal. I’m expecting another author discount offer sometime this month - which I’m sure will be impossible to do. I’m assuming the next one will come in September.

Either way, please know that I will keep the money from your help separate from any other money. I’m thinking of filling a jar and taking a picture as it progresses. :) … either way, whenever you can help is welcome! I will definitely keep everyone apprised as to what is going on.

thank you, again.

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posted by: renee on Jun 07, 2010 :: 12:28 pm | [5] comments |
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Jun 04, 2010 :: 4:32 pm
stumbling toward faith

ok.. so an idea has been percolating in my head.

every so often I get an email from Zondervan, offering to sell my book to me for $3 a copy. The only issue with that, is that I have to buy 200 copies (at minimum). That’s $600 that I never have (plus shipping).

I can’t tell you how much I want to be able to pass out copies of the book. As much as I want it to keep selling, so it doesn’t go out of print, I also want to be able to send it to someone for just the cost of shipping.

So, I’m asking for help.

I intentionally keep ads off of this site, I write what I really think and feel, and nothing is going to change here, regardless. (I will be doing more book reviews, though--but not for money)

Anyway, here’s the deal:

I would love your help. If you would be interested in chipping into the Buy 200 Book Fund, please let me know via email or comment. I know (believe me) how tight things are financially for all of us, so please know that I will be thankful for whatever happens.

So many people ask me how to get more copies, and so many times I just want to give them away, and this would be the perfect solution. I can mail them for the cost of shipping only to whomever I want. :)

Anyway, if you’re interested in helping financially with this, please let me know. I can send you a copy of the book when I get them. :D

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posted by: renee on Jun 04, 2010 :: 4:32 pm | [8] comments |
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Jun 01, 2010 :: 8:14 pm
a review of Laughing with Sarah by Gene Jennings

Laughing with Sarah is a book of sermons. Written and collected by Gene Jennings, it also includes a small group discussion guide. Currently the Associate Pastor at TrueNorth Church in North Augusta, SC. Gene is a graduate of the University of South Carolina-Aiken and Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary.

I went into the book with both interest and hesitation.

The back of the book says, “Following Christ is a journey. It’s a series of mountaintops and valleys. Most of the time, we are somewhere in between.”

It explains the title by continuing, “There are times when God shows us something so unbelievable that we, like Sarah in Genesis, laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.”

The first sermon, titled “The Thanksgiving Killer” talks about gratitude, and being thankful for our blessings. It’s a good point, as many people struggle with thankfulness. But the author tends to give a heavy-handed judgment, without acknowledging the reality of people right here in America who struggle. As Jennings writes, “We don’t always realize how blessed we are and how affluent we are as American citizens.” Although Jennings is speaking to the church, it is likely that there are ‘American citizens’ listening who struggle deeply with their finances.

“The Thanksgiving Killer” goes on to talk about the “five blessings for which we should be thankful:” Forgiveness, availability (from God), protection, instruction, and unfailing love. It’s an interesting (and true) list, but it fails to acknowledge that some people might find even these inaccessible. This particular sermon is a sort of church spanking that we often hear around the pulpits during the thanksgiving season. And while I agree that we all can find more things to be grateful for (I strive to make a list several times a week), Jennings is missing out on an opportunity to remind us not only of all we have, but also all we can do for others. I believe that the call to gratitude includes the call to servanthood, as well.

Chapter 7, titled “His Hands,” is a journey through the hands of Jesus. From the healing of the leper to the crucifixion, Jennings uses the concept of Jesus’ hands to convince us to to let Jesus have our lives. Out of all of the chapters, this one had the best discussion questions. From “Look at your hands; what stories do they tell?” to “What can you do with your hands this week to demonstrate Christ’s love to others?”, these questions seemed the most thought-provoking and honest.

Overall, Laughing with Sarah is exactly what it proclaims itself to be: a book of sermons. Jennings is a talented sermon-writer, he knows how to write a sermon that has a hook. Hearing these while sitting in the pew would be somewhat entertaining and probably applicable, as well.

This book is perfect for the people it was written for. It has analogies, facts, Scripture, conclusions, points, and personalization. The discussion guide is a bonus way to think about what you have just read—on your own or in a group. In the end, reading Laughing with Sarah is like going to church 13 times. Not a bad thing, just overly familiar.

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posted by: renee on Jun 01, 2010 :: 8:14 pm | [5] comments |
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upcoming stuff

hey.

It’s been an interesting few weeks.

I’m definitely digging into stuff in therapy that is ultimately good for me. But it’s a lot of work, as always, and I haven’t been able to find very many words for it.

Meanwhile, I’m doing things I enjoy doing. I’m working on some projects that give me a great sense of fulfillment, and have joined a few book review clubs--which offer me free books in exchange for a review of them.

I’m always interested in reading, so it’s fun to get to do this. Look for upcoming words on Jesus Manifesto, Imaginary Jesus, and others.

Don’t worry, I’ll tell you what I really think about them.

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posted by: renee on Jun 01, 2010 :: 7:03 pm | [0] comments |
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after >>